When I was a teen, I used to have these traditional ideas about what it meant to be an adult. A full time job, a mortgage, maybe vacations to Mexico, certain degrees of freedom that came with being 18+ and having a driver’s license. But always the biggest point was having a space of my own.
I still feel the same way about having a space of my own, but now, I’m not so sure about the rest. I wish I had some kind of well written, poetic explanation.
To me, in this moment, I feel like a proper sized bed is what it means to be an adult. Perhaps it’s because I sleep in a twin sized bed at the moment. My biggest issue with the twin sized bed is what it represents. And to a lesser extent, fear of judgement should I ever decide to bring a date home (and how will two people fit?!), but that’s another post all together.
To me, the twin sized bed is a bed for a child or a teenager. Someone who is dependent on someone else. Someone who doesn’t date. Someone who is alone. I’m an adult. I’m dependent on me. And my bed doesn’t reflect that.
I often feel conflicted with the idea of people seeing my home. My current home.
To me, my current home, is not my forever home. It’s not a good representation of who I am, who I want to be or even who I was. And I feel a home should be that. A home should reflect who you are. And right now, my home feels more like a false reflection of how I’ve devolved (when really it’s more like, how I’m in the process of starting over). And I feel like it will be a while before I have a place of my own for the long term. In my future, I see school preventing me from working, which prevents being able to pay rent. I see living with room mates, I see living at home with my parents. I see myself being “homeless” in the abstract sense.
At one point, I would have romanticized the idea of being “nomadic”, living the gypsy life, jumping from place to place. But I really just want my own, cozy, smallish home.
I’m very likely moving back in with my parents at the end of the year. Which is even more of a regression for me in my eyes. But at least I’ll have my dog.
But really, I can’t keep working and going to school at the same time. It’s exhausting, and I feel like I never have time to do homework because I’m either at work, or at school and when I come home I just don’t have the mental power to sit down and work on things.
I want so much right now, that I’m finding it hard to focus on the order of things. I need to finish school so I can work, so I can have my own home.
Focus…. focus…. focus….